ERAP@93

April 26, 2025 Opinion

Saturday the 19th was former President Erap’s birthday. In the past he would ask me to come over at Polk Street or wherever his birthday bash was. Healthwise, times have changed. In fact he has not come over to Baguio for a while now. In the past, he would arrive in his chopper and would ask Bobby Burgos and I to join him at his country home or drink red wine at the Manor till the wee hours of the morning with his trusted Chino-pal Reggie Lee. At one time or another, we would invite Rocky Molintas, Mark Go (yes you read it right!), Doc Willy Occidental, Rob Ocampo, Dhobbie de Guzman and other Ema boys to join us. He would cook and serve his favorite dish ‘Bacalaw’ with the watchful eye of the missus.

He was himself, no frills, playful and funny. I am immortalizing some of the Erap Jokes, old, new, rehash as a tribute to a man who in the years past taught me the true meaning of “walang iwanan! ” Happy belated Birthday apo Presidente! 1. Erap was teaching his apo an action song “put your right feet in, put your left feet out.” Dra. Loi heard him and said “Dad, its foot.” Erap: “Sorry, okay ‘foot’ your right feet in, ‘foot” your left feet out.” 2.Erap was filling up an application form for a passport. He promptly filled the columns titled Name, Age, Address etc. Then he the column Sex. He was not sure as to what to answer.

After much thought he wrote Thrice a week. On seeing, the officer said the Answer was wrong and should be either Male or Female. So Erap wrote Preferably Female. Final question: Length of Residence: his reply: 24 feet excluding garage! 3. Erap sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what is inside his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. “This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. “I wish for an ice cold diet Coca cola right now!” Poof!

A Coke appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. “I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.” Poof! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: “I wish I’d never have to work ever again.” Poof! He’s back in his government office! 4. Erap went to France to watch the World cup. He was toured around by a French official. “Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?” Erap: Of course. She’s Noah’s wife. 5. ERAP calls the UP telephone switchboard. “is thus UP Diliman? Operator answers “This is Padre Faura!” Erap replies :”Sorry Father!”

6. Why did the Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate! Why was the Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months? The box said “2 to 4 years! Why can’t Erap dial 911? He can not find the number eleven on the keypads! 7. Erap was asked : If a group of birds is called a “flock of bird”, a group of fish is called a “school of fish”and a group of wolves is called a “pack of
wolves,” then what do you call a group of dogs? Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga! Di answer is ‘ASO-ciation!’ 8. Sa isang party. Sabi ng isang Ambassador to Erap, “I haven’t met your wife. Where is she?” Napadaan si First Lady Loi. Sabi ni Erap, “Oh, my wife
just passed away.”

9. When Erap was President, his last goal in life was to get that much-coveted diploma from his alma mater, Ateneo de Manila. With this, he felt he would be a truly accomplished man. So he approached Fr. President Joaquin Bernas about the matter. He was sympathetic with
Erap so he gave him a final exam before he can be granted a diploma. Fr. Bernas gave Erap 3 take-home-questions of which he only needs to answer 1 correctly. The concession was given so that he will surely pass and also to save his face from possible failure. The 3 questions were: a) How many seconds are there in one year? b) How many ‘D’s are there in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? c) How many days
in a week that starts with the letter ‘T’?

Erap studied the exams. The next day he went back ready to answer. “First, How many seconds are there in one year?” Erap answered “12!” “12?” wondered Father, “but there are already 60 seconds in 1 minute..?” “Father, It is 12! January Second, February Second, March second…” “Okay, okay how about question #2. How many ‘D’s are there in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?”. “I can’t count it Father,” said Erap.”Why?” asked Fr. Bernas, “All you have to do is sing it. Okay sing it so that you can count it.” Erap sang Rudolph the red-Nosed Reindeer but he doesn’t know the words “Da, da… See Father, you can not count the ‘D’s” “Hay naku! This is your last chance,” said an
exasperated Fr. Bernas. ” How many days in a week that starts with the letter ‘T’? “Two!” said Erap and this brought a smile from Fr. Bernas.”Goooood so what are these?” Erap answered proudly “Today and Tomorrow!” Cheers! Sigh!